(Reposted from my original blog on July 8)
“In just gonna type for awhile and I’m ADHD so yeah
I’m having one of my silent episodes where I just feel the full wait of the heaviness the demon if you will, that smothers me when I feel like nobody likes me. When I feel like I’m alone. When I feel like I’m being ignored. I’m a very affectionate person and I try to make close friends with everyone that captures my interest. This is a problem because most people are cynical and apathetic and they really don’t want any ore friends.
So first they stop talking. Then they stop answering. Theny stop acknowledging all together. Then you get desperate and reach out but with no response. Then you know that you’ve lost another one. And tha demon starts speaking and saying “I don’t think you ever had her in the first place” most of the people I gravitate towards are women. Because men tend to scare me unless its a non-stereotypical “guy”
Other men that are like me, are more comfortable to me. I’m so opposite of what society thinks of as “a guy” I don’t care about sports. I was raised by women. I’m clean. I’m considerate. I’m emotional. I’m thoughtful. I’m resourceful. I’m organized and I love video games and comic books and wrestling. If you’re reading this then please take some time to read my previous posts, you’ll see what I mean.
I’ve tried to take my own life before but I failed each attempt and I really like the idea of sorting out my problems and enjoying happiness at an overwhelming reoccurance. Like I did when I was a kid and I wasn’t so rejected by my peers.
Idler like taking my own life again about 15 minutes ago, so I started typing this. I don’t feel like it anymore but I also don’t feel like typing anymore either. I try not t curse anymore, as I used to, a whole lot. But I’m trying to express myself without the typical vulgarity that people tend to. So I won’t take this time to type what I’m thinking: about how much I hate life and people who won’t be my friend. I’m the best friend you’ll ever have but I hate you for rejecting me and I hate the way society mocks me because of my sexual…well…I don’t wanna talk about that. I can’t kill things cause it’s not my desire and I don’t desire to hurt anyone accept rapists and bullies but
I have ADHD and trying to type this out with several different thoughts racing through my mind…is…difficult.
I don’t know if she wants me to buzz off or if she’s just busy or if she’s trying to politely reject me with distance like that liar Chuck N’ Kelly Flowers (at DaVita North) her collogue says that she’s “afraid for her life” so which is odd because after 12 years of conversations, laughter, walking around alone in the building…she never express fear to me.
Shoot I wasn’t supposed to talk about her but his new friend (or at least I considered her that) seems so much better of a person of a friend but And she’s a peer but I don’t know her like that Imwish I could work with her she does my dream job but my health is shot and sometimes people in her field have to keep their distance safety precaution I guess. I’m just afraid that I’ll come off as annoying and she may not want anything to do with me. I know she’s super busy but. I just can’t win for trying
Life sucks…then you suffer…
Who cares is what I said as a teen. Close friends that I didn’t grow up with seems to be too much to ask
I’m older now, 31
I wonder if punk ever read my blog I sent him.”