Blessed Torment

There’s a Fan out there in cyberspace who just loves the people he follows. He spends his free time (often putting others aside to make more) working on gestures to show his adoration. Drawings, edited music videos, entire blog entries, and even craft works like figurines et-cetera.

At first the Fan was acknowledged for his efforts, something he didn’t take for granted as he so wants to express his adoring of the them. Then suddenly, as the Fan began to rush the completion of a music video for them that he’d been working on (on and off) for months, he completed it and shared it to his beloved favorite, but to response.

The fan thought perhaps they were too busy, and needed more time, but time passed and with out response. This reminded the Fan just how world renown his beloved already was, and how easily the notification of his video could easily become lost in a sea of more important notifications of the beloved favorite. So he would send again, and then again, and then again, but nothing. He became confused, and worried.

During this time the Fan would see others sending to his beloved favorite, and quite often they would be acknowledged. The Fan tried to brush this off as coincidence, but the more frequent it became, and the more he noticed that every single attempt he made had failed to be acknowledged, the more hurt he became. He thought: “What did I do?”
Prior to this time he and his favorite had rapport that he cherished, and enjoyed to the fullest. Feeling a kinship in characteristics like their adoration for children, and compassion, and their love for artistry, for instance.

The Fan was quite elated with his beloved favorite, and constantly prayed in thanks for having a cyber-friendship on social media with them. Something he always wanted since watching his beloved favorite perform their respective craft, but was afraid to express verbally after being labeled as “creepy” for doing so to another whom he adored. The Fan already knew that the world wasn’t too keen on empathy, and it saw empathy as weird and strange because everyone was so used to cynicism and apathy. But he was determined to keep that common perception from changing his individual spirit.

The Fan continued to work, often sick and ill from his near-two decades of Glomerulonephritis, tirelessly trying to press through and show his beloved favorite, not just “how much” he adored “them” but how purely he adored his beloved favorite. He wanted to show how he appreciates them, and even though he merely likes other practitioners of their craft he adored three in particular. He continued, but still without avail.

Although it hurt the Fan to feel singled-out for what seemed like neglect, he remained devoted to his beloved favorite often focusing all of his efforts on them. His philosophy was that of integrity, as he thought to do so much or sake of his love and respect for them, rather than for attention and acknowledgments. His beloved favorite would certainly put this philosophy to the test, as soon the weeks turned into months and the fan looked back and saw no responses what so ever, all while continuing to see other receive.

The Fan wanted desperately to please his beloved favorite with his art, or his visionary editing efforts. He even wanted to amuse them with esoterically coded blog writings, but each time no idea rather it was received. 

He began to move into a much needed return to prayer and fasting, using the torment he felt, as fuel to press through the difficulty of pursuing his physical goals. He would speak to his Creator daily, asking for just one sign that his beloved appreciated his work, or even thought him to be swell.

As of this very moment he remains in the most tried of faith, as he waits.

11 thoughts on “Blessed Torment

  1. A

    Stop, please. You are turning into an obsessed fan who is among the types that you see on the news when they attack the people they claim to be a fan of. Please find help and realize that wrestlers are not responsible for your happiness or mental health. Only you are.

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    1. BThePunisher Post author

      Let me ask you something: I see at least three other fans who tweet her daily (sometimes more than once) would you say the same thing about them? What makes me “obsessive”?

      In that entire story, please tell me what part makes me forceful? The people who constantly tweet her daily aren’t obsessed, so why do you say I am? They get a retweet or a like from her, and they are elated. They brag about it and state how happy they are, and no once makes this presumption about them.

      I don’t think you (who ever you are, think I may know by the way) can tell me what I’m basing my happiness on. She suddenly started ignoring me, and I couldn’t understand why. That doesn’t make me an obsessed fan “like the kind you see on the news”

      You probably think you’re giving me some good advice, but what you’re actually doing is reaching, and making presumptions with knowing the full details. So please tell me, how am I fanatical & obsessed, but the people who tweet her constantly aren’t.

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      1. A

        When you post videos that feature scenes from movies but with different dialogue that ends with you writing about not having anyone else, that’s obsessive.

        When you send messages to your favorites every hour of every day, that’s obsessive.

        When you bemoan about not getting proper appreciation from people you don’t know, that’s obsessive.

        You are more well known than you think, and it’s for all the wrong reasons. It’s because I don’t want you to start messaging me that I am remaining anonymous. We have never had a conversation but your behavior towards some of these women scares me. And I realize that you aren’t going to listen to an anonymous person, so this is an exercise in futility, but still. And yes, if you were a FemFan I would still think the same. Your gender is meaningless.

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      2. BThePunisher Post author

        So now I know you’re reading my Twitter.

        1. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you, especially my personal admiration of people.

        2. If I knew who you were, I wouldn’t start messaging you like that. I could have a discussion about this, but I wouldn’t sweat you about it.

        3. You said I’m well known for the wrong reasons, that hurts me. I thought I was being kind and known for good reason. It’s does hurt to know that all this time people have been thinking ill of me instead of positive. I want to change that, but I need to know first what are the “wrong reasons”

        4. I’m assuming you’re someone who Follows me, if so then you should know that I am capable of listening and taking advice.

        5. I don’t tweet anyone every hour, or even close to that often. My timeline speaks for itself. I do see some people do that, in fact, there’s a guy who tweets his phone number asking for a date. Now that should be considered wrong.

        6. Whoever you are, you don’t have to remain anonymous. I am a mature, dignified person and a big boy, so I can handle this type of scrutiny and assertions.

        7. Finally, I want to know what these opinions of me are so that I can make the necessary assessments to myself, and change whatever may need changing. If you don’t tell me, then I can’t correct myself.

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      3. BThePunisher Post author

        Also, the reason I mentioned gender is because I see female fans tell these women “I love you so much, you’re my idol!”

        But if a man says that “I love you!” He’s called creepy. That’s a fact in fandom. Girls can have dozens of posters on their wall of someone, and people don’t mind. If I have dozens of posters then they call it a “shrine” and say that I’m creepy and obsessed.

        Tell me you’ve never seen that difference in perception.

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      4. BThePunisher Post author

        This has been eating away at me all day, and last night. I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing that’s so wrong. I can’t change my behavior if I’m not told how I’m misbehaving.

        I don’t know who you are, but it scares me to think of who you might be. I’m capable of having a productive discussion and learning from my choices, but I need to know how they have been negative.

        You first said “Stop, please.” Stop what? I can’t stop it if I don’t know exactly what it is. And whatever it is, please tell me how it affects you, and how it affects the women you say I’m behaving “scarily” with.

        Are you trying to bring something to my attention, or are you just trying to tell me how you feel? If you’re trying to warn me of something then I would want to take it into consideration, but I cannot if you refuse to be clear. I’m slow, so what may be obvious to you may not be to me.

        Please help me understand why you accused me of being obsessive & “scary”

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    2. BThePunisher Post author

      Everything I’ve done has been documented, and nothing was ever intrusive or malicious. Not even intended to be, let alone could be concluded as. So if you (I’m sorry) I’m “they” misconstrued any of my actions as being negative or intrusive or malicious, then the mishap isn’t all on me.

      I do agree that I was overzealous in thinking I needed to tell them how much I adore you (whoops!) I mean that person. I felt like if I didn’t tell them, they wouldn’t know. But that’s not the case. You don’t have to tell someone so often like that.

      So I don’t need to sit here and feel low any longer. Sometimes celebrities, with all the phoniness they have to deal with, forget that us fans are the one’s who feel low. Especially after hitting my head off like you did.

      For the sake of continuity I won’t apologize for that slip just then. Don’t lump me in a category with ill intent people who are obsessed fans. People who only like celebrities because they extract something from them. That’s not the fan that I am, and I was a fool to let your words offend me.

      You said I more well-known than I realize but it’s for all the wrong reasons, right? I’d like for you to elaborate on that. How did you come to that conclusion? Did you hear others talking about me? Because no one has expressed to me, any disapproval of my actions. I have a human right to know if people are talking negative about me behind my back.

      You made me feel low, and I didn’t do anything to deserve that and I certainly didn’t do anything to earn it. I know it’s easy to look down on people from way up there. But I just ask that you use better discernment to separate the posers, from the people who genuinely and adore you.

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    3. BThePunisher Post author

      Took me several months, but I think I know who you are now. You said you were remaining anonymous to keep me from “messaging you” so that means you’re someone I already have contact with.

      You didn’t have to approach me like this, you could’ve just been courageous and told me directly. This bothers me (everything else you said bothers me as well) If you are who I think you are, then I’ll say this: You are hurtful and misplacing your scathing scrutinization. I’ve been open with you (this whole time) so there’s no need to hide with me.

      I’m not sure what I ever did that was so offensive or displeasing, but I know there are actual mean & bad people out there, and I am not one of them. This is wrong. With all that I’ve had t endure, why can’t you just be okay with me? Why do you have to treat me like this? What negative did I ever do to you?

      I know you have a lot (a whole lot) to deal with (I do too, especially medically) but you don’t have to make me suffer for what others are doing. I am a person too, and I have feelings. I’m not one of those “people on the news” and that hurts that you judge me as such.

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  2. BThePunisher Post author

    If you are unwilling to identify yourself to me, I will have contact the proper channels to find out who you are.

    Do not make this anymore difficult than you already have. Who are you? And how did you see my social media activity?

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