Watashi No Tenshi

Today I say a hashtag trending on a popular social media site, which lead me to write this. The hashtag was entitled “World Suicide Prevention Day” and I thought my story (shortened for ingest-ability) even at the risk of sounding “obsessive and scary” to some.

I have attempted suicide more than once, oddly enough it doesn’t quite work like a film dramatization would have you believe. With a striped-wrist, I am still here praise “God” (The Infinite Spirit) and I don’t feel like I’m repulsive to everyone, anymore. But during a very dark time I felt as such because I was treated as such. I was betrayed by a friend of twelve years during a time where I felt like giving up.

To shorten this long story, I’ll just skip to the part where she told her colleague that she was “Afraid for her life” which makes perfect sense because who wouldn’t be afraid of someone  while pretending to be friends for twelve years, right? A shy fat guy who’s sweet and respectful, always telling you to “Have a good rest of the day!” when he’s leaving, and always speaking well of you when your coworkers are saying you don’t know what you’re doing or how you got your job. Yeah that sounds like a real horrifying person there. It’s a wonder how he didn’t rape your soul with his brutish meekness.

Forgive my sarcasm, but that hurt me greatly. So, suicide attempt, then suicide watch, then lots of crying, then no intervention what’s so ever because black folks don’t believe “in’nat mess” But it is said that every loss is room for a new gain (or maybe I just said it) that same season I lost my friendship, I met three women (virtually) who would turn out to each have something about them that was in-common with me.

Couple that with each of them being kind to me and allowing me to speak to them, treating me like a human being with dignity, and not-being repulsed by my generosity and presuming some kind of ulterior-motive  I felt like these people actually cared. This is when I realized something: Suicide, as much as it seems like an act of relief, is actually a hindrance to achieving your desired goal.

For instance, my goal was to find people my age who liked me and were ginuenly interested in me. Failing to find that was the problem, along with feeling like I eas not-liked and uninteresting. Taking my own life would be an extreme emotional response, an impulsive response at that. It would not help me acheive that goal. This is the truth that I realized, along with the harsh fact that some people are apathetic and they don’t like you, and are not interested in you. This is difficult to accept for a spirit like me, because there are certain people that I gravitate to but the feeling isn’t always mutual.

 

So to sum this up, suicide will not help you to acheive your desired goal. It will only prevent you from ever getting what you ultimately want. And this is coming from a person who was terminally ill, which suicide seemed merciful.

 

 

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