The Reverent 

I was taught gossip is wrong, so instead of talking about others, I talk about Myself, and we discuss Me. I’ve been referring to myself in the since my youth, it’s lighthearted and doesn’t insult anyone. For a society that’s always shouting “Who are you to judge?” I get judged all the time.

It’s confusing. First they say “Be yourself, don’t let anyone define you!” But then they tell you that you’re this & you’re that, and you’re made to feel abject. Some people tell me not to worry about being scolded, that it’s not me but rather the person scolding.

I already felt emasculated after that bully of a relative came over with her son and pushed me around for using an expletive in a phone conversation with a different person. Yeah, that’s how Ultra-Sensitive Confrontational & Racist Black Women tend to act. They think they can be as obnoxious, noses, and abrasive as they want, and the world has to acquiesce to them because – Black Queen. Get over yourself.

It bothered me to be pushed around by an older female and her partially-autistic son whom I helped raise since they moved in the area twenty years ago. This was back in October, and even though I wasn’t hearing much from my adored at the time (now I know why) I was able to get through this because the very site of her on a video, or a picture posted online was elating to me. I tweeted that lyric to her and the other two once: “As soon as you came in, all the beast went away.” Now I’ve learned that she probably thought that was creepy and/or pathetic.​

I try to go on about my days, pretending to be okay but the truth is that peace I had while thinking she was okay with me, that all three are okay with me: I can’t feel it anymore. Every day, I well up in tears. What’s worse than being hated by those you adore? Being meaningless to them.​​​ ​​

But there is hope, The Creator is hope. And he will show my adored that all of my intentions were positive, and all of my actions were not malicious. The world, my family, and some random people may hate me, or they may see me as meaningless. But those three, so long as those three are okay with me, I am blessed.

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